HELP WANTED

HELP WANTED — Chicago Faucets seeks reliable personnel. NOTICE: Management not responsible for workplace romances, marriages, three sons, or wineries resulting therefrom. Apply within. Ask for nobody; they’ve moved to California.

EXECUTIVE AVAILABLE — Experienced in school, ballet, and ornithology (Audubon-certified). Seeking CEO position; entry level acceptable, briefly. Red hair non-negotiable. G. Tipton, Portland office.

WANTED — Risk opponents. Must not cry, must not quit, must not expect mercy. Alliances honored until they aren’t. Survivors of previous campaigns preferred. Inquire: any Tipton, any holiday.

SERVICES

ENGRAVING — M. Tipton, prop., MC Laser Labs. Will laser your name onto anything. Anything. Also available: drum accompaniment (unrequested), vocal stylings (in progress), philosophical debate (free, unavoidable). Fly fishing lessons by a prodigy, weather permitting, work notwithstanding.

FABRICATION & REPAIR — R. Tipton. Warehouses automated, wineries built (meticulously), anything fixed. Owns lathe; knows how to use it. High school diploma not included; never needed. Estimates honest, like it or not.

RETAIL ENVIRONMENTS — R. Tipton the Elder-Younger, formerly of a large athletic-shoe concern, Beaverton. Displays designed, families centered. Just do it? Already done, quietly, for everyone.

MAKEUP & SCREEN SERVICES — F. Laughlin, Hollywood, Calif. Faces beautified, wits sharpened separately. Resemblance to Miss Monroe coincidental, frequent, and increasingly suspicious given the birth year of certain relatives.

FINE ARTS, CHOIR & AQUATIC DEFENSE — S. Tipton, multi-disciplinary. Portraits, harmonies, and water polo consultations. Relocating to Eugene, Ore. this autumn; book immediately, gallery pending.

ART, ACTUAL GALLERY — A. Tipton, prop., Slip Gallery, Seattle, Wash. Art for people who are people by real people. Upcoming: an exhibition of work by human hands, exclusively. The machines could not have helped.

HOSPITALITY — E. Pesante of Denton, Tex., now accepting reservations for legendary hosting. Sisters attend free. Best-friend rates in effect since 1956.

SECURITY SERVICES — Momo, German shepherd (f.). Perimeter maintained, standards inherited. References: three predecessors, all decorated. Payment in devotion, accepted daily.

PEST CONTROL — T. Cat, prop., Acquiesce barn, Acampo. Rodents managed since date of hire, which Tina considers none of your business. Payment in tuna and indifference.

GIFTS, CONSEQUENTIAL — Sarah H., prop. Presents sourced, made, or found; recipients reliably undone. Vintage fits for look and for principle. Well informed as citizen and to your taste. Inquiries welcome; imitation attempted, never achieved.

EDITORIAL & DESIGN — The entire staff of this newspaper, available for hire. Discretion guaranteed, evidently not practiced. Inquiries: zo-zo.co.

WANTED TO BUY

WANTED — Rare, allocated, impossible-to-find wines. Trade accepted in dinners or dollars. Dinner at your table, steeper. Mine, surprisingly reasonable. J.R. Tipton — formerly of the Kernel, lately of the Robots.

FOR SALE & RENT

FOR LEASE — Barn, 100 yrs. old, character in excess of square footage, currently occupied by wine. Serious inquiries only; the wine was here first.

FOR SALE — Zinfandel grapes, entire crop, effective immediately. Owner has whites in mind. Neighbors advised against it. Owner advised the neighbors of nothing.

FOR SALE — Hair tonic, one case, unopened, unused. The Tipton men decline treatment and have since their early twenties, on principle. Principle also for sale, never sold.

PERSONALS & NOTICES

PARTNER WANTED — No. Position filled, Chicago, some decades ago. Life, love, labor, and crime (contingency basis only). Applications closed permanently and happily. — R.T. & S.T.

NOTICE — The Lodi Appellation Inclusivity Collective (LAIC) meets whenever its founder decides something ought to be fairer. All welcome. That’s the whole point.

BOARD & LODGING FOR CATS — Multiple locations, Portland–Seattle–Los Angeles corridor. Peanut, Rainbow, Nola, Tux: current tenants, excellent references, zero gratitude. Vacancies rare; standards theirs.

MISSING FROM LINEUP — Roussanne. UPDATE: found. Both of them.

ON THE HI-FI — “Crazy.” Again. Rewinding. — L.M.